The Pain of Surviving

The abuse I endured as a child from my stepfather included: severe beatings with a wide leather belt that had three metal holes that went all the way down it. I suffered bruises on my buttocks, the backs of my legs, my lower back and arms. I was slapped repeatedly in the face leaving hand prints for hours. I was hit in the head with metal spoons. Tabasco sauce was poured over my fingernails as a way to prevent me from biting them, a nervous habit that I began as a way to deal with the abuse that I suffered. I was told that this was done in order to "teach" me a lesson. He was sadistic and seemed to enjoy abusing me.

I was told I was ugly, stupid, dumb and would never amount to anything. I was mocked, bullied, laughed at and ridiculed by him; a person I was supposed to trust. He NEVER told me that he loved me, and I was never offered any emotional support by him. There was no love at all. 

He beat my dog so badly that she spent all night digging under the fence to escape her abuse. She ran away. I don't blame her; I would have done the same if I could have. 

On to the next abuser, which was my first husband. The first sign of abuse came when I was eight months pregnant and he pushed me. During the nine year marriage, I was punched repeatedly in the head, my nose bloodied, my lip busted open and thrown backwards out of a chair. I was head butted and dragged around by my hair. On one evening of abuse, he pushed my face in the garbage that he had dumped on the kitchen floor. He laughed and said "Clean it up bitch". 

He enjoyed throwing objects at me, hitting me in the face and head. One night I was thrown out of bed, along with the mattress. In this fit of rage, he dumped all of my belongings from my dresser drawers and from my closet on top of the bed ...they were scattered all over the looked like a hurricane had hit. He ripped the phone from the wall when I tried to call for help. He removed parts from my car so I couldn't escape.

When I tried to leave he threatened to take our son and go to Mexico saying that I would never see him again. He threatened to burn down our home. More violence and abuse. He brainwashed and poisoned our son against me. I didn't have a relationship with my son for 10 years, but he has finally come back to me.

Years later, I married again and we had a daughter. In this second marriage I was verbally abused, sexually abused and raped. I was told that if I ever left, he would take our daughter and I would never see her again. When I did finally leave, there was endless stalking. He poisoned her against me, and she is still not a part of my life, 12 years later. 

Relationship number 3: I was choked repeatedly to the point of passing out. He threatened to murder me and my 2 children and said he would start with the youngest, ending with me so I would have to watch them die. His words to me if I threatened to report him to the police... " I will bury you all where no one will ever find you." On one of the many occasions of abuse and assault, he ran me into a tree causing severe back injuries, and broke my nose. It has to be surgically repaired. My back injuries are ongoing.

I was raped 4 times in my life.  The violence of the rapes brought numerous medical issues; my uterus, bladder and cervix were permanently damaged and I had to be surgically repaired. 

I want everyone to know and understand the truth of abuse; of my abuse and the lifetime of pain and suffering that I have endured. It's important to me that my story be told. - J.G. (Arkansas, USA)