Call Me Nothing...

I remain in a process of editing, writing, with greater courage and more detail my story.      Many find it difficult, because of the philosophical content, etc.  I am understanding that the forgiveness will be acknowledged... I am still learning details, as from receiving recently the files from Toronto Mental Health Addiction services that provide me with more information.  So.. please understand this is a life time project -  I am now 75 years old. 

I woke up one night as a teenager in the late fifties with a sexual assault happening, in my mother's bed.  OK.  Only recently have I learned that she too was raped as a young girl, which explains for me now her saying:  "Oh, leave her alone... she 'nothing". 

My mother had the habit of saying - "Oh, it's nothing", and not in a 'friendly voice'.  I have the greatest 'feeling' for her desperation at the time... but my story is one of coming to terms with reality.  I would not, at my age, and of what it has already cost me (although also the most incredible learning experience of my life) take action against any of the professors- who actually in retrospect, like Judas in the gospels,  brought about the triggering mechanism, the anguish and the reliving of my experience and thus the ability, with some gas lighting happening, to at last have confidence in my own memory. 

This is the story of a mental health 'issue' and a struggle with the professors, with such statements as 'Why don't you be nice to me you don't want to go to jail".  Well I did over a period of about seven years, - as I would not (actually  could not stop 'calling them'.)  Of course, I was deemed to be insane.   And this is where the - #metoo - may break down for you, - because I still feel today that the women 'on my case' were the most damaging to my venture into memory and my 'fight for survival, to be heard. 

I keep working on it to bring it up to a higher standard.   Perhaps I can leave it - anonymous or not - as an inheritance to who ever might at that time wish to receive it.

Love.  (Oh, and the 'who-ers' in jail were the most valuable part of the experience for me.  They called me 'mom'!!! and it was with their help that I learned what can happen to women who have been trespassed! against - particularly in their early years.) 

 I was never sexually assault in any way by my professors - but there was 'dangerous' innuendo, and even today with any he/she/they said situations, I could not prove that they 'played' with the marks they gave me, and what I found, very intimidating measures....!  But you know what -  I think they also, at some level, wished to get out of it themselves, - but the power, and lust were too overpowering for them...  And of course, I was in a 'power relationship'...  

Can anyone learn from this experience.   I feel I shall be able - in my future edits, to put more material - within such an analytic framework into the story.  But the philosophy is too heavy for some.  But it's Penny's cognitive therapy... just trying 'to figure it all out'. 

I was not believed by any one at the time, and still - well believe it or not - in the last couple of weeks, my doctor - a female is 'coming around'.  My first diagnosis - schizophrenia - but no one told me of the change to PTSD.  

It was just a big fight to get it out there....  and not damage too much my mother, and family generally!- Penny "Nothing" (Ontario, Canada)