I want to share my story, but it's hard. Not because I'm ashamed, or because I don't remember, not because I think it was my fault, or because I feel guilty. It's hard because it has changed who I am and how I feel as a woman.
I have never been a fan of social dating websites. I would rather meet in person, or through a friend, or maybe at a party, but not through a picture with a few words that describe who a person is.
I am 35 years old and I am a single Mom to a 4 year old daughter. I don't meet many men at work, and most of my free time is spent with my daughter, the love of my life. At times I feel lonely and I want companionship with another adult. I want someone to care about me, and love me, and I want to be in healthy relationship...something I haven't had in my life.
I decided to join a social dating website, and even though I had reservations about doing so, I moved forward with my profile and it wasn't long before I was communicating with a man who had reacted to my profile.
We met for a drink, and found that we had a lot in common. We had great conversations, and we were both attracted to one another. We decided we would meet again after that initial date, and we both looked forward to it. We spoke on the phone, and we sent text messages during the week...getting to know each other in this new way of dating.
Two weeks later, we met for a second date at a restaurant that we both had already been to before and we both liked. We had a few drinks with dinner, and took our time at the restaurant. Three hours later, it was time to say good night, but that's not what happened.
My date, as I would later come to know, strategically planned where we would meet for dinner...which was only a few blocks away from his home. It was convenient for him, and of course he asked if I wanted to stop by since he lived so close. I agreed, what harm could it be? What was I thinking?
One we were there things moved quickly...at that point, it was all consensual. But that changed so fast. I know I'm not the only woman who believes that they are in control of what will happen and what won't happen. I thought when I said NO that my words would be respected.
I was held down. I was raped. I was choked and forced to have anal sex. I thought I was going to die. I didn't scream or kick. I didn't yell or fight back. It was happening and I didn't know what to do. I was in shock, but I couldn't stop what was happening to me. I was no longer a willing participant. He said, "Bitch, I know you like this...you want it in the ass don't you? Take it bitch, take it all...I'm going to cum in your ass and you're going to feel it all. It seemed like it went on for hours. I was in pain and I was upset. But I wasn't sure how to react. I was afraid and all I could think about was my beautiful little girl.
I got up from his bed and started to put my clothes on. He said "I know you liked that bitch, didn't you? I got more for you...I just need to rest up."
It was my opportunity to leave. I said "I've gotta go now. We'll talk soon."
I was in pain and could barely walk to my car. I was sure I was bleeding and I was still in shock. I don't remember driving home, but somehow I did. I had to be at work the next morning, and I needed my job. My daughter was staying the night with her father and I felt grateful that I could go home and cry myself to sleep.
The next morning I could barely move. I was in so much pain. I called my best friend and she encouraged me to go to the hospital and report what had happened. I was humiliated and afraid. I didn't feel like the strong woman I had been. I still don't. - Anonymous (U.S.A.)